woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
