he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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