Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
BRING THE BAGELS
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
