Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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