Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
