idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
