Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
