Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
