SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
