when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize