Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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