i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
