if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
