somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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