cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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