I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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