Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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