im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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