Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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