Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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