Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
