I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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