Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
