Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize