Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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