Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
