Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
