you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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