Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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