Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
