I can text with my tongue
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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