Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
