I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
