Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
