He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
