please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
