Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
dude i'm inner monologue high
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
