if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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