Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
