my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
