So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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