the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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