i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
