i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
