You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
