I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize