He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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