she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
