im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
