you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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