Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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