My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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