Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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