Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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