On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
