One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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