he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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