Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
only you would photoshop your dick
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
