Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
